48 things I've learned
When I was 35, my friend Colleen invited me to share 35 things I’d learned. That place in time, that version of me, feels not only like an earlier chapter, it feels like an earlier book in the series….we’re so many beats past it by now. But this morning, sitting in our home in New York’s Hudson Valley, beneath the “It Is Your Birthday” banner that Jordan hung (where my Office fans at?!), I feel inspired to write an updated list: 48 things I’ve learned at 48.
Dwight Schrute-inspired bday decor
Tell me, which # resonates with you most? And don’t miss the related book recommendations at the end of this post!
Your worth has nothing to do with your paycheck.
There is something unique inside of you to be expressed. (“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost.” - Martha Graham)
When things feel really stressful, do less instead of bearing down and doing more.
When you’re stressing out about how something is going to work out, remember - your job is to be clear on what you want, not how it’s going to happen. With the help of the universe, you will discover the “how,” but not if you’re looking too hard.
Nothing feels as good as being with friends who love you.
Always stop to pet the dog. You will never regret this choice.
Be impeccable with your word (hat tip, Four Agreements).
Meditating creates spaciousness. And it’s in spaciousness that you can experience who you are.
“The way things are” is an opening offer.
When you find someone who’s your person, you can feel it in your whole body and soul.
As dorky as it might feel, having well-organized cabinets feels REALLY good.
Getting a multi-colored pedicure = many happy moments of smiling at the cheerful rainbow on your feet.
Silence is medicine.
Immersion in nature is medicine.
Meditation is medicine.
“Becoming a parent” is not one-size-fits-all. Your child is not a widget from the factory, they are a human being; and so are you. And your experience of parenthood will be as unique as you, and they, are.
Stop putting so much energy into anticipating how other people will react to what you say, and focus instead on what, exactly, is there for you to say.
If you look for beauty every day, you will find it every day.
If you look for kindness and love every day, you will find them every day.
Complaining is fine (we all need to vent) but if you don’t ultimately pair it with constructive action, you are choosing to stay stuck.
There are very few moods that can’t be lifted by 5 minutes of watching Office bloopers. Or Amy Poehler interviews.
One of the best things about getting older is that people are more likely to trust your expertise; what you know becomes “enough” in a way it isn’t when you’re in your 20s. Unfortunately, by the time we’re in our 40s, we’re often so conditioned to do acrobatics to prove our expertise that we struggle to stand in the simple power of our knowing.
We are all wired differently. The things that are hard for me might be easy for you, and vice versa.
Radical acceptance is the most powerful expression of love for others; setting boundaries is the most powerful expression of love for self.
Listen to young people; they are the future, and to understand them is to understand the direction the world is moving. Welcome this newness and evolution. It’s inevitable; fighting it is not only futile, but also endlessly stressful.
Listen to old people; they are living history, and to understand them is to understand where we come from.
Listen to people of all ages; everyone can be a teacher if you’re willing to learn.
Try not to sound like a fortune cookie; then again, if you do, lean into it…you do you ;).
“Unused creativity is not benign.” - Brené Brown
The notion that it is impossible to be both happy and financially secure is an insidious cultural myth that causes so much suffering.
We have chemistry with places, not just with people. There is no formula for how to create a life in a place you love filled with people you love; often, you must trade one for the other, and this can be painful.
Indie bookstores have great energy.
Supporting locally owned businesses, especially those run by people of any marginalized identity, feels great.
Nothing tastes better than the hot fudge sundae at Peter Luger’s.
Except sometimes the things that Jordan bakes. His homemade thin mints — omg. And his Mexican wedding cookies. And that olive oil cake. And the bourbon chocolate chip cookies. Mmmm.
Best meal: saag paneer, raita, naan. Nom nom.
Taking care of plants feels good.
Following the daily news is a recipe for misery. People think they’re doing it to “stay informed,” but so often it’s more like an addictive, toxic soap opera. There are ways to stay informed without tethering yourself to the daily commercial news cycle; they’re fueled by profit, versus any sense of public service. Public media has plenty of flaws but at least its news programming considers the audience as citizens, rather than just consumers.
God bless the people who create the stories that I love to lose myself in — especially TV shows and novels. You make my life so much better.
Twitter was really special, before it became toxic. A lot of spaces online follow this trajectory. I am hopeful that we will learn how to keep special spaces special.
Social media is a proxy for public life. It might feel like self-care to disengage, but it’s actually self-harm. At the same time, see #37 above. Find a way to participate in public life that is constructive and fills you up rather than draining you down to an empty husk of a human.
You will never regret texting someone to let them know you’re thinking about them. Unless maybe it’s an ex of some sort, I don’t have a lot of experience with that, I’ve been with the same man since I was 18 years old; I’m talking non-ex friends and family members.
Do things that remind you that you are free.
Surround yourself with people who make you feel safe being who you are.
When you find yourself feeling judgmental, pause and try to get curious instead (hat tip Walt Whitman - maybe - and Ted Lasso - definitely).
Follow the feeling of aliveness.
Poetry expresses truth in a way nothing else can.
When in doubt, watch The Office.
Book recommendations tied to this post
The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz
Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert (it was on the related Magic Lessons podcast that Brené Brown shared her observation that “unused creativity is not benign”).
The Office: The Untold Story of the Greatest Sitcom of the 2000s: An Oral History by Andy Greene
Joyful: The Surprising Power of Ordinary Things to Create Extraordinary Happiness by Ingrid Fetell Lee (who inspired me to go the multi-colored toe route…)
I get 10% of all book sales, which helps compensate me for the time I spend writing this blog; while many bloggers feature links to Amazon, I choose instead to work with indie bookseller Bookshop.org.